Read on Expiration?
Trigger warning: Musings on what happens to journals after one’s death.
Alternate title: KC watches very emotional documentary and becomes curious. These musings are the result of that first wave of that curiosity.
I recently watched HBO’s The Dark Wizard about climber/BASE jumper Dean Potter. I came to the documentary from the YouTube channel Kyle Hates Hiking (a guy who, in fact, does not hate hiking, but tells a lot of stories about various outdoor mysteries). The story intrigued me because I knew about Dean Potter because I was in the outdoor world when he was a big deal. I had a lot of climber friends (although I never got into it myself). It was actually a little surreal watching the documentary because it felt like looking at a past life for me (folks goofing around outdoors, the clothes were the same, the people so much like people I’ve known). The connection to journaling here is that they used a combination of footage shot while Dean was alive, his voice memos, and his journals to tell part of his story. He appeared to have journaled in spiral bound notebooks with whatever writing instrument he had at hand.
I definitely cried during the last episode. He was a controversial outdoor figure for a lot of reasons, but this story was being told from his own POV, his friends, and his loved ones. Because I can’t help myself, I wanted to see what conversations were surrounding the documentary. One that stuck out to me was that there is an opinion that using someone’s journals after they die to tell their story is a violation of that person’s privacy.
That led me to look at who owns someone’s journals after they die. I live in the USA, so I looked into the rules here. Well, if you plan ahead you can designate someone to take them in a will or designate what needs to happen to them. If no one is chosen, it goes to your heirs and they can do what they want with it. In the USA (and in quite a few other countries I discovered) there is no law to protect your privacy after you die, privacy laws generally only apply to the living.
My roommate Hermes violating my privacy through chewing on my journal while I’m trying to think big thoughts.
In Dean Potter’s journals he talks about a lot of really heavy feelings, thoughts about the people around him, dark moments, light moments, hopes, dreams, and his spirituality. You know, what most of us are doing in our journal. I make it a point to be unfiltered in my own journal because that’s what I need it to be. For example, just yesterday I spewed a bunch of frustration about the cognitive dissonance in the world. Perhaps someone in the future could flip through my notebook and take that the wrong way since it’s not curated thoughts or even necessarily well-thought-out ones. It can even be just playing with an idea to develop it over time (I think we’ve gotten too used to having to be held to an opinion that we had once and shared thanks to the landscape of the internet - we are allowed to change our minds, a journal is a “show your work” in a way).
Would Dean be irritated that they opened his notebooks to read his personal thoughts? Well, we can’t ask and he probably didn’t think about it since he died unexpectedly in a BASE jumping wingsuit accident). As Edward Abbey said in regards to an old man who had died sitting under a tree looking out over the Canyonlands, “I don’t want to speak for the dead man…” but I think I would be okay with it as long as people see the entry as part of the whole story. One passage in my journal out of context could make me sound like an utterly bizarre person (I mean, I am, but we like to pretend to “normalcy”, haha).
I know folks who never look at their journals again. I’ve met folks who, when they finish a notebook, wrap it in duct tape and throw it in the trash or just toss it in the recycle bin. Some people like to burn them. The notebook served its purpose. Myself, I like to look back at my journals every so often. It’s like looking at a photo album - this is who and where I was at this time. I’ve recently come across some extremely angsty journals that tell the story of a young person dealing with imposter syndrome and realizing the path that their family always told them they should walk. Sometimes reading an old journal gives new perspective. We live many lives after all.
My story is also told via stickers.
I suppose the message to anyone who knows me well who might read my journals after I’m gone (hopefully many years from now), that journal wasn’t to comfort you - it was to comfort me. That was my truth in the moment. I allow myself to be unfiltered and raw on those pages. I firmly believe that we all need that sanctuary. It’s a place we can exist without judgment. It’s the third face in the Japanese saying, the one that shows who you truly are, the messy bits and all.
I hope this ramble didn’t send anyone on an existential crisis about their journalling. I think it’s important to be unfiltered and to speak our truths on the page. Don’t let the idea of someone picking it up after you’re gone stop you from being you when you’ve got your pen in your hand.
Hermes stealing my chair while I was getting to take a few photos for this post. He finds my journal quite useful as a pillow.
Currently Inked
I am going through one of those phases where I don’t know what I want to write with - do I want something plain, sparkly, dark, bright… eventually I will figure it out. Here are a few of the inks I’ve used in the last two weeks.
Anderillium Sockeye Salmon - Kaweco liliput fireblue BB - I’ve been wanting to try this ink ever since I swatched it for the shop. This ink is insanely bright. Is it orange? Is it pink? It’s completely in-between with a gold sheen on top. It was a little too much for the mood I’ve been in, but I could definitely see myself playing with it some more in a narrower nib (this ink was pretty wet).
Colorverse Edge of Night (Colorvent 2024) - Kaweco liliput fireblue BB - I thought I might be able to solve my problem of not digging any of my inks by using a tried and true - a blue-black. Edge of Night is definitely more a dusty blue, it’s on the blue-black spectrum but not dark. It’s got great shading. It didn’t scratch the itch, but it was fun to revisit it.
J. Herbin Eclat de Saphire - Kaweco liliput fireblue BB - I ran out of ink last weekend at the shop and decided to give this classic a try. At first I thought the ink was mislabeled because it was coming out like a dark lavender when it was wet. Turns out it does get bluer as it dries, but it definitely has a lot of purple undertone. Very pretty ink that rarely gets the spotlight.
Ferris Wheel Press Sprouting Pastures - Kaweco liliput fireblue BB - This is still currently in the pen. I decided to revisit this green because when I first got it it definitely felt like a spring color. It’s a warm green with copper shimmer. It’s pretty wet which keeps the shimmer suspended with a little gentle tilting.
Ferris Wheel Press Skies of Uproar - Kaweco liliput copper B - This blue was on my mind this past week. It’s a sky blue with a “champagne” shimmer and it’s very ethereal. Will probably do a 180 on the next fill with something super moody, but I’m enjoying this for now.
